Shades of Gray

Sometimes you think you've seen and heard it all. You look back on your life and think, "wow, I've been through everything." And you realize that you've been friendless, lost people close to you to the dreaded cancer, pretty much failed a class, missed work entirely, didn't know how you were going to pay your bills, been rejected by people you liked, felt lost and aimless, been rejected twice from the dream you've been dreaming, had the car die on you more times than you can count, and the list goes on. On the other hand, you've got amazing friends, the gospel in life, a positive and optimistic outlook, had the opportunity to be an EFY counselor, have an amazing family, travelled a ton, finally found what you want to do with your education, and the list goes on longer than the first. And then you think, again, "wow, I really HAVE been through everything!" And you think you know how to deal with anything that might come your way, because you've got the gospel and past experiences to draw upon. And because of your trials, you can help others in their time of need.

Until that one day when you hear the worst news you've ever heard in your life. Worse than when your grandfather died of cancer. Worse than when one of your best friends died of cancer. Worse than your first breakup. Worse than the rejection letters you've collected from the photography department. In fact, it's so bad, you never even dreamed it. Or thought it. The thought literally never entered your mind until someone put it there as a truth. A fact of life. Something you're expected to just accept, and then go on living as though there had been no interruption made. And people around you just act like everything is normal. So why is it affecting you more than them? You're usually skilled at finding the good in every situation, but this just doesn't add up. There is...absolutely no good to be found. It's pure evil. And then it's sad. How do you process something so terrible? You're not judging the people involved, because you have no right to do that. You're stunned. In a state of shock, not able to form the words to describe your feelings. Mainly because you don't know what your feelings are. e

Then you go to bed that night and can't fall asleep. You don't want to talk about it. But you want to talk to someone, just to engage your mind in something else. Well, family is in bed. Friends are sleeping. Some friends are up, but they're busy doing other things. So you watch "House" instead. It helps. You eventually fall asleep because you're so tired you can't stay awake any longer. You remember something your brother said a few hours earlier: "I feel like I'm just going to wake up tomorrow and it'll be Tuesday." And though you know that's impossible, you hope for that. When you wake up on Wednesday morning, you check the time. Then you look at your phone, hoping it says Tuesday. It says Wednesday. So then you get up and check the news to see what's new. It's all the same old horrific news as yesterday, so instead you keep busy doing other things, and yet not doing a whole lot at the same time. You still can't process what's happened, and you realize that you have to, eventually. Fortunately you've got really good friends who let you know that they're there for you- even though they're 2500 miles away. Then you talk to them later, and they talk about their life, getting your mind off the obvious.

That's when you realize you've REALLY been through it all.